3 Questions to Ask Before Accepting a Proposal

This weekend, the OWN TV show Iyanla Fix My Life featured a couple who were on the rocks after 20 years of marriage. In one part of the episode, the man informed his wife that when he asked her to marry him, he was “joking”. He wasn’t ready to get married, and he didn’t want to get married. While this is a betrayal of epic proportion, especially after years of being together, many people have experienced this to some degree.

After dating your significant other for a while, the two of you may be talking about a future together. It sounds wonderful, and you anticipate the day where the two of you will get married. So when he pops the question, you’re excited and emotional. This is what you’ve been waiting for! However, there are a few things you should ask your partner before you accept the proposal.

“Are you sure this is what you want?”Proposing

You would think that a lot of thought goes into the big question before it’s asked, but sometimes, it’s asked on impulse or unclear thinking. Your relationship could be going very well, and engagement (then marriage) seems like the most obvious next step. However, some people have drastically different reasons for getting married.

Your partner’s response can give you insight as to what they’re really thinking. There’s no “right answer” necessarily, but there are certainly a few wrong ones. One of those answers is out of obligation. You don’t want to marry someone because they feel that they have to. This will certainly build resentment over time. Hesitation is also something to take heed of. And if you have any reservations, you should take that into account as well.

“Where do you see us in the future?”

This question is huge, because if you two have conflicting views, this may cause troubles down the line. Where does your partner see the two of you 10, 20, and 30 years from now? Do you guys have the same future in mind? Do you both see yourselves growing old with each other? Are you all on what I like to call “the same wavelength”?

Some of what goes into this question includes the lifestyle you two envision. Are you in agreement about children? Are you both supportive of each other’s goals? Are they going to take the vows “for richer or for poorer, through sickness and through health, until death do us part” seriously? Or do you think when thick and thin comes into play, your marriage may not weather the storm?

“Are you ready for change?”

I once heard or read that women get married expecting to change a man, and men get married expecting their wife will never change. Some couples get married because things are going good at the moment they’re dating. The honeymoon phase eventually ends. Married life is different from dating life. Change is inevitable in a long term relationship, but you can’t make someone change. Are you and your significant other ready for that?

Marriage is something to take seriously, as it’s meant to be a lifelong commitment. These questions are not the only ones; you and your significant other have a lot to discuss before you get married. Discussing financial expectations, religious and spiritual beliefs, and work goals are very important. And, you have some questions you should ask yourself too. These questions aren’t meant to ruin the magical moment, but they’re meant to give you a more realistic look if marriage between you two is the right decision.

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T.I. and Tiny are Working Through Marital Troubles

There has been some buzz recently that rapper T.I. and his singer wife Tiny are going through some marriage troubles. Rumors have been circulating that the couple, who have been married for 4 years, are possibly heading for divorce.

The assumptions weren’t too far fetched, as both took to Instagram to subliminally (and immaturely) hint that there was trouble. Numerous blogs came up with their guesses as to what the problem could be, from infidelity to differences in business ventures.

TI and Tiny Marriage

T.I. spoke out to TMZ to confirm that the two were, indeed, having their issues, but they were working through them.

“Tiny wanted to walk the Grammy red carpet and watch the show but T.I. wanted none of it. He says they angrily challenged each other on who would end up having more fun that night.” – TMZ

The couple have become fan favorites since their VH1 reality show, T.I. and Tiny: The Family Hustle, which documented them balancing their careers and their blended family of 6 children.

We wish T.I. and Tiny the best of luck in getting through this rocky time, whatever the issue may be.

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6 Reasons Why Black Women Are Not Getting Married

There are so many articles out there about what’s wrong with black women, why we’re single, why no one wants us, etc. As a black woman, I personally don’t appreciate it or the attention it gets. While we have flaws just like everyone else, we shouldn’t be viewed as undesirable. We are beautiful, we are intelligent, and there are black men (and other ethnicities as well) that adore us. So when someone asks “why aren’t black women getting married”, here are other reasons besides the same ol’ noise.

We’re Not Ready

Why Black Women Aren't Getting Married

Photo courtesy of BrownGirlNextDoor.com

Marriage is a huge commitment, one of the biggest decisions you make in life. We’re not blind; we see all the people getting engaged and jumping the broom. But we don’t want to rush into a commitment we’re not ready for. We can have multiple reasons for not being ready. Maybe our relationship is still in its infancy, and we want to get to know the man more before pledging to spend the rest of our lives with someone. We take marriage seriously, not lightly. We’ll be ready when we decide we’re ready, and not a moment before hand.

We’re Not Interested

Hey, marriage isn’t for everybody! While it’s a beautiful thing, some of us are not looking to get married at any point. I know several couples who have been together for years, started a family, live together, and have never exchanged vows. And you know what? It works for them. We can be in fulfilling long-term relationships without being someone’s wife. Remember, we’re in the year 2014. We’re not living our grandmothers’ lives anymore. Marriage isn’t every black woman’s ultimate goal.

We’re Career Focused

What’s wrong with focusing on our career rather than a marriage? Books like Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In has brought to light the things women go through in order to somehow accomplish a work-life balance. What if our jobs are our lives? We shouldn’t be penalized for that. It’s clear that women have to work twice as hard as men just to be seen as equals, earn equal pay, receive promotions, etc. If we’re dedicated to our jobs, some of us have come to the conclusion that we can’t give equal energy to a marriage and our careers, so we made the decision to forego one.

We Did… and it Didn’t Work

What much of the media fails to recognize is that many of us have been married before, and it didn’t work out. They forget to include those of us who got married, and ultimately got divorced. So we’re back on the market, technically, but we’re in no rush to go through the motions the second time around. Yes, we may want to get remarried eventually, but we learned from our mistakes, and our taking our time before saying “I Do” again.

Men Aren’t Ready

Before all the men get upset, hear me out. How many of you have been in a relationship with a woman, and she’s thinking things are going to the next level (meaning marriage) and the thought hasn’t crossed your mind for more than a minute? There are so many men out there who are leading us on and leaving us out to dry. Again, I know several couples who have been together for years, maybe between 7-10, and they’re not even engaged yet. Some men out there are scared of getting married, and it’s frustrating and sad for us. Yeah, we could end the relationship and pursue someone who is marriage minded, but come on ladies, we’re nurturers and fixers, and we hold out hope that one day he’ll change his mind.

Haven’t Met the Right One

My mom has said sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince. And frankly, there are a lot of frogs out there. I don’t want to say good men are hard to find, but the right man very well could be. What’s right for one woman may not be right for another. We have standards, and they’re going to be different for every person. I’m not saying we have a laundry list of unobtainable and unrealistic things (although some of us may need to remove a few things), but we should all have standards and not settle. So we’re simply not settling! We’re waiting, patiently, for the right man to come along.

So we’re not damaged goods, we’re not bitter, we’re not always the problem. We have our reasons for being single, we have our reasons for being unwed. Respect our decisions, and love us despite our flaws.

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5 Things Michelle Obama Teaches Black Women About Marriage

Happy birthday to our First Lady Michelle Obama! Our president’s other half is graciously turning 50 today, and is looking as radiant as ever. After 22 years of marriage, she has quite a bit of wisdom to impart on us when it comes to keeping a healthy marriage.

Love Doesn’t Hurt

“Good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don’t hurt. They’re not painful. That’s not just with somebody you want to marry, but it’s with the friends that you choose. It’s with the people you surround yourselves with.”

Barack and Michelle Friends

Mrs. Obama wants us to remember how it feels to be in love, and that means love doesn’t hurt. Love is not abuse. Love is not control. Love is a beautiful feeling. While it may not always be easy and it may not always feel great, you should never think of your spouse and think “pain”.

Don’t Forget About Yourself

“Women should have the freedom to do whatever they need to do to feel good about themselves.”

We as black women tend to often forget about ourselves when we’re married. We’re focused on our husbands, we’re focused on our kids, we’re focused on our extended families, and we tend to come last. We forget about our hobbies, our plans, and the things we need to remain ourselves. The First Lady wants us to remember that we have the power to do what it takes to take back control of our own lives and feel good about ourselves.

Be Your Husband’s Friend

“[Barack and my] relationship was first a friendship. It took off from there.”

A relationship built on a friendship will most certainly prosper! You can’t help but recognize the energy and the chemistry between the President and his wife. We love seeing them laugh and play with each other. The same holds true with your marriage. It shouldn’t always be about the bills and business. Let loose and have fun with the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. Enjoy hobbies together, spend quality time, and always remember the starting point of your relationship, which should be a friendship.

Believe In Your Husband

“And I come here as a wife who loves my husband and believes he will be an extraordinary president.”

Could you imagine having your husband’s back as leader of the free world? It’s got to be tough, and I’m sure it was nerve wracking when Barack first mentioned his intentions to Michelle. But through it all, she has believed in him and had his back! When your husband has dreams and goals, he needs you as his biggest cheerleader. Pump him up, support him in any and every way possible, and he can be successful.

Look Forward to Your Future Together

“And I did not think it was possible, but let me tell you today, I love my husband even more than I did four years ago. Even more than I did 23 years ago when we first met.”

Can you believe that these two are even more in love than they were when they first got married? This is something many couples who have been married for a long time feel. When you go through ups and downs with your spouse, it tends to bring you closer together. The phrase “that which does not kill you makes you stronger” rings true for marriages as well. What didn’t tear you apart will bring you closer together. Look forward to being even more in love with the person you married as time goes by.

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